Presidential Idol

I have an idea for selecting the President of the United States that’s far better than the train wreck we currently use.

Today it was announced that Mitt Romney collected $76 million in campaign donations in May and that President Obama lagged behind with a mere $17 million.

What an incredible waste of cash. How is this money going to be used? To make and air deceptive TV commercials on both sides, and to employ armies of canvassers to make annoying dinnertime phone calls and ask stupid questions. Among other uses, that combined $93 million could be used to hire 2,312 elementary school teachers, according to the average national teacher’s salary.

I know. I looked it up.

So here’s my saner alternative. Create a show called “Presidential Idol.” It could also be called “Who Wants to Be the Commander in Chief?” or possibly “America’s Got a Wacko With His Finger on the Nuclear Button!” The show would air from May to September in a presidential election year. The candidates would come on each week, perform live, and Americans could vote to decide who stays in the race and who becomes the next Rick Perry.

It could be a family affair—the kids could vote! The presidential hopefuls could sing, dance, ice skate, tell jokes (wait, that doesn’t work because most ARE jokes), or sit in swivel chairs and listen to debate questions that really matter before answering with empty platitudes and insulting fabrications. In fact, the stage band for this spectacle could be called The Insulting Fabrications!

This spectacle would be paid for by the advertisers who really own the U.S.: J.P. Morgan Chase, ExxonMobil, General Motors and Wellpoint. We would be spared the agonies of election season: endless commercials, bloviating bloggers and pundits, and posturing on the floors of the House and Senate. The massive war chests these clowns raise could be used to pay for things that actually matter, like education, cancer research, or creating jobs. Fox would get its highest ratings ever, and not one Republican or Democratic sympathiser would be out of pocket a single cent.

It would be perfect. America speaks, and there we have it, the president is elected by 150 million phone-in, text or iPad app votes. Then he (or she) takes his (or her) seat in the White House and for four more years we are spared political contributions, scandals, poll ratings and best of all, egotistical millionaires on television trying to out-lie each other.

Perfect? It would be heaven.

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