Wanted: Psychic who loves horses, money

I watched America’s Got Talent the other night. If you watch it as well, take my advice and Tivo it. Once you get it recorded, it really only takes seven minutes to watch an episode. You can skip past the commercials and the other crap for the only thing that matters: a 60 second performance by the (and I use this word loosely) “talent.” You can ditch the needless discussion and terrible jokes from the judges. It’s reality show paradise.

Then again, cash-hungry studio executives clearly believe they have the perfect formula to keep us, Joe Population, with our eyeballs glued to our flat screens every night while our backsides become increasingly stuck to our couches. They seem to be right, so who am I to argue?

But I digress. A man comes on stage, blindfolds himself not once but twice, and claims to be a mind reader. He proceeds to wow everyone by telling the three judges not only what pictures they had drawn on hidden sheets of paper, but which judge drew which thing. It was truly amazing, and I say that with complete sincerity. The universe is a dizzyingly complex and vast place, and anyone who says with absolute authority that he has all the answers and that mysteries such as clairvoyance are woo-woo self-delusion is probably an ignorant ass.

That said, I would have to ask this mind reader the same question that I would love to ask each and every woman or man claiming to be a clairvoyant: “If you are so good at reading minds, seeing the future or talking to the dead, why aren’t you rich?” Surely, if you can read thoughts or see what will happen before it happens, you can not only predict when your next client will arrive and which clients will return for more, but you can pick winning stocks or destroy the Bellagio at the roulette table, right?

The thing is, these people never do that.  They occasionally claim to help the police find dead bodies or solve crimes, but even those accounts are sketchy. I have been to several people who claim to read the future. All three of them gave me tapes of our conversations to listen to when we were finished. All three said basically the same things. All three are no longer in business.

That tells me there is no future in reading the future. When someone comes up with a practical way to use psychic abilities to make money, let me know. More to the point, if you are a psychic who can tell me who will win the 3:30 race at Santa Anita tomorrow, call me. I have investors.

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