Japan is going to the dogs

I was listening to the BBC this week (that’s a news network, for those of you who get most of your knowledge of the outside world from TMZ), and I heard a report that said that in Japan, the population is projected to drop from 120 million to 40 million within the next 80 years because no one is having babies.If no one is having babies, then no one is having sex—or no one is having unprotected sex, which means, either everyone is turning Japanese (that was a song by The Vapors in the 1980s that was supposedly about masturbation) or condom manufacturers are posting their biggest profits in history.

Not exactly true. Listen up. There are more dog boutiques in Tokyo than baby stores. No one wants a baby, but they all want dogs. And before your perverted little mind wanders off into putrid thoughts of men and women doing the nasty with their Labradoodle puppies, the real story is that the canine is now the preferred life companion for most Japanese twentysomethings.

If you think about it, this makes a lot of sense. Think about the advantages of a dog over a child! There is no need to pay for a fancy private school or university unless you want to teach your dog to poop in the toilet. Dogs can’t talk back to you. If a dog doesn’t behave, you can swat it on the ass without some busybody calling Child Protective Services. Dogs don’t need $80 overall ensembles from Oshkosh B’gosh; they come with their clothing already attached. And if you get sick of a dog, you can take it to a shelter and abandon it. Try doing that with a seven-year-old.

Of course, in their longstanding tradition of making things really, really weird, Japanese men and women are reportedly spending $250 a pop on outfits for their dogs to wear. They have dog parties, dog holidays together and they even take their pooches to special dog-friendly restaurants so they can dine on sushi while Fido slops up his Science Diet right at their feet. Because of all this dog love, the Japanese government is worried that there isn’t enough human love going on—meaning that the canines will outnumber homo sapiens in a few decades (I smile when I think that this could lead to a dog-dominated society where, upon meeting, people sniff each other’s assholes instead of bowing).

This is a load of crap. No dog’s affection will ever take the place of shagging the daylights out of the person you love—or the person you brought home from the pub that evening. I think this story was based on interviews with a notoriously unreliable demographic: crazy people. They interviewed one lady who insisted that her dog was capable of giving her more love than any other human being she’s met. Maybe she should try getting out more often. One man insisted that he couldn’t get a girl to have sex with him because all the girls he met wanted to do was take their dogs everywhere.

Sorry. I’m not buying it. Sex is a primal human drive. If you chase after it long enough, unless you’re violently insane or have the personal hygiene of a California Gold Rush prospector, you’ll find it. No dog is more fun than pussy. If you ever find one that is, then you are in need of serious psychological counseling.

Either that, or I need to make a date with your dog.

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