Billion Dollar Law Suit

imagesWell, I have heard it all and I’ve seen it all, or so I thought. 5 inmates inside a prison in Idaho have decided to sue some of the world’s largest brewers and liquor companies for 1 billion dollars, yes, that’s 1,000,000,000, because they believe their addiction to alcohol landed them behind bars. This must be one of the most unbelievable law suits of all time?? They claim that if they hadn’t been alcoholics and had prior knowledge about the effects of alcohol on their persona and behavioral levels, they never would have committed the murders, rapes, thefts for which they were all eventually convicted. They are not, so far, being represented by an attorney and have put together this law suit, on their own, claiming to have learned enough about the law from their 20 years, so far, in prison. This story grabbed my attention instantly, more so than the one I wrote about three months ago, where prisoners on the east coast were suing the authorities for dental decay due to them being denied dental floss supplies, whilst incarcerated. It also confirmed to me, that we, as society, are completely out of control. But you knew that anyway, correct? How can we let this happen? How can we, as educated human beings, let our legal system run riot in this way? How can anyone with half a brain, give this law suit credence? Too many questions and not enough answers. But, as I have mentioned before, this is America, and anything is seemingly possible. Anything, except common sense! Here is a link to the full story, so you can decide who is right and who is mad! Copy and paste it.

I sat down this morning and made a list of things I believe I should sue for. You should do the same. Perhaps, if anything on our respective lists match, we could just move forward, class action style, forget Gangham style, together, as one, in support of our wonderful legal system that is so fucked up, it’s disappearing up its own asshole! Any attorney’s reading this, other than my own, who I will need when I start the legal process, please feel free to contact me and let me know why you feel our justice system works and keeps us safe from frivolous law suits and wrongful convictions. The facts are, it doesn’t! ‘$500 an hour and we will sue anyone for anything’. That’s the claim that every attorney firm in the country should have on their front door.

So here we go.

I would like to sue Cadbury for making me feel so good each day when I take a bite out of that delicious Dairy Milk chocolate bar. Without that bar, (and when I travel, I am without), I become the most miserable son of a bitch the world has ever seen and am prone to frowning, which then requires Botox to fix all those facial indentations made by said frown! That’s at least a $100 million expense, don’t you think? Then there’s the absolute fact that if I hadn’t been introduced to Cadbury’s at the tender age of 3, none of the emotional crap that I feel when I have to go without, would be necessary  and therefore I feel like I have grounds to sue for emotional distress, all 53 years of it, which would equate to millions of dollars in angst and withdrawal for all the times I was in Hong Kong, China and other 3rd world countries  unable to get just a wee bite to satisfy my cravings!  And then, finally, the piece de resistance, a sure fired winner in any court of law, Cadbury licensed out their name to Hershey, here in the US, and the absolute fact that Hershey cannot make chocolate to save their own skin, forcing me to make regular trips to the UK to fill up suitcases full of my favorite sweeties, and import them illegally back into the USA, facing a gauntlet of US customs agents on each occasion, each one, desperate to sample the delights inside my suitcase, before sending me to some Betty Ford clinic to cure my addiction! This law suit s worth billions! Join me, all you litigious, chocolate loving clones out there, and together, we can become rich!

I would like to sue, my ex wife, for agreeing to marry me in the first place! I believe that if she hadn’t agreed, even though I would have been distraught for a moment or two, my life would have been so much better, and I can prove it! There must be a slew of attorneys out there who would take this case and many millions of sympathetic ‘formally married’ men and women, who would join me in a mass tort law suit against all those former partners out there who were so obliging and so in love, at the time, and are now so, despised and greedy. Just think, one simple NO, and there would be no alimony, no division of assets, no grief, no nothing! Life would be so much simpler and so much more agreeable, don’t you think? Oh, and don’t forget the kids! Those poor children, made to live through every battle, every up and every down. I know all of them would side with me in this instance! Can you imagine the scene in court? Married couple, now divorced, standing with their two kids fighting over who said yes to who and who first? It would be epic! The start of a new craze, all across the world. The end of marriage as we know it, should someone actually win and make it impossible for any future proposal to be uttered without a pre proposal agreement! This one is a must!

I would like to sue, all the smart phone manufacturers, for making smart phones that are completely dumb! Who wants to have a phone that never rings? No one ever calls, everyone texts or emails, and I blame the makers of all smartphones for the communication breakdown that has become todays society. And anyway, how can a phone be smart when the person using it is far from clever? We need to take action agains all makers of these devices and insist, when we win our case, that we receive at least one phone call a day, an NO texts!

I would like to sue my dog, for making me walk every day, rain or shine, getting me really fit, and yet, creating so many back issues because of her insistence to continually poop on every street corner, thus making me stoop low to collect and dispose of said poop, causing thousands of dollars in Chiropractic bills and a semi-permanent kyphotic state. My issue with her is, ‘why don’t you just do it on your own lawn?’ She has no idea the frustration she has caused me, walking over 2000 miles a year, that’s at least 5 pairs of Nike’s a year, plust wear and tear on my body, and with all the plastic bags I’ve had to supply, just to collect her waste, well, that’s at least another 1000 dollars for which she has never repaid me, other than in love and attention, but that won’t count in any court of law! (See note on Ex wife, above)

And finally, I would like to take out a court action agains my God. I would like to do so because he or she, has given me such a wonderful life, while others around me have suffered. I find this very disconcerting and very sad. Someone, anyone, should take out legal action against God to redress and restore equilibrium on this earth. Not such a hard thing to do, only because all the wealth is lying with those who have no interest in suing God. They would all be defendants alongside his presence, and they would certainly be easy pickings for any jury representing me in any trial, and also able to award me, and my fellow citizens, ample compensation, and reward.

And so, ladies, and gents, take a look at these 5 inmates in Idaho, and reflect quickly as to their intentions and the hypocrisy that is our legal system. Stand up, make your voice heard and sue until you drop, because everyone else seems to be doing just that! It’s easy, it’s simple, and you obviously don’t need a degree or representation by anyone other than yourself. Go out tonight, drink heavily, commit a fraud, do a nasty dead and then blame the effects of the alcohol. It’s a slam dunk that you will end up in jail, but a certain 3 pointer that you will be allowed to sue whoever you want, just to redress the balance of your misfortunes.

This blog comes with the usual standard warnings. Do not attempt any of the above without proper legal advice. Do not hurt or mame anyone, unless you are prepared to accept the consequence of your actions. Do not sue, willy nilly, and or without great thought, due to our flawed system being so screwed up, you may end up in court fighting against your own good self!

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