Watching the Obama family at the inauguration this week, I realized, more so than ever before, that Barak and Michelle and the kids are just normal people trying to fit into the limelight that now surrounds their entire life. How could you not be moved by the innocence of their youngest daughter yawning while the President of the United States was in full flow with his inaugural speech? And then there were those never-ending camera shots of the entire family, just being a family. Superb stuff, no matter who you voted for and something I have rarely seen before in American politics. Perhaps it’s because the Bush girls were sort of grown up, and Chelsea Clinton, hidden from view, but these kids are surrounded by what appears to be a wealth of love and happiness and a certain amount of openness too. Which got me to thinking, how would I behave if I were elected to that office? Of course, it’s an impossibility, and one that you as a country should celebrate. To have me, a Scottish Jew, take the highest office in this land, would only leave a curse on the rest of humanity.
Or would it?
If I was elected President of the USA, here are some of the things I would implement immediately.
1 A complete ban on speed bumps or traffic calmer’s, as you call them here. What are they all about anyway? They are so poorly built that it makes no difference what speed you drive over them, and it makes little impact on anything other than wear and tear on my car. I would have them all torn up and discarded.
2 No more mention of God and politics in the same breath. God will not determine who wins any election, and if he/she does, then there is nothing we can do about it.
3 God bless America? AND how about all other nations on earth too? Come on, why only us? Why not the rest of the planet? At least the ones that like us. I mean, forget the French, the Iranians, the Afghans and all the other people who want to blow us into the middle of next week or just plainly dislike us, but there are a lot of good people out there, so let’s bless them all!
4 Make the legal drinking age 16, because 21 is a joke. The rest of the planet drinks at 16 or 18, so why not us? Think about it. You can vote, and join the army and kill people at 18, but you can’t have a drink? Makes me think of a comedian in the UK called Jimmy Jones. His opening line was ” Fuck!!!!” shouted at the top of his voice. Silence in the audience. “That’s a bad word, isn’t it?” And the audience would shake their heads up and down in agreement. “Kill!!!!” Again, shouted at the top of his lungs. “That’s not a bad word, is it?” Noooooooooooo came the reply from the audience. “Well then”, he continued, “what would you rather be, FUCKED or KILLED???” Which rings so true in our society. Unfortunately, in this country, things are so screwed up and our priorities so backwards, that it’s easier to be killed in combat at 18 than it is to get a drink in a bar? Come on, let’s change it all. Let’s make it legal to drink at 16 and illegal to be killed in combat at any age!
5 Ban all blowers from every gardener who walks this earth. See previous article, All Blow and No Job, from last year. These things are a violation of my right to breathe fresh air and live without continual noise. Get rid of them immediately!
6 Abolish speed limits on all freeways and discard any speed limit under 35 MPH. Where I live, there are areas where 15 MPH is the limit. How ridiculous and how insensitive to all those people round my way who drive red Ferraris! Let’s do a Germany, and make the freeways open season for anyone and everyone who wants to go over 100 MPH. most of us drive better than the Cops who regularly pursue us, so let’s ban them from the roads and lets keep our own rules. I would also abolish speeding fines. If anyone is caught speeding they should donate $500 to someone who needs it, and not our local Police dance fund. Let the Cops go arrest some real criminals and not us, the soft touch motorist. It’s too easy for them to pull over a soccer mom in her SUV for going 2 MPH over the limit. Let’s make it difficult for everyone. Speed and get caught, pay the fine, and donate. Get caught 3 times in the same year, then give up your car for a month to a charity who needs it.
7 I would ban all lobbyists. Who needs a lobbyist anyway, and why don’t I have one at my disposal? What is a lobbyist and what purpose can they possibly serve other than to be a parasite in the world I am trying to change? Let oil, the farmers, the coal industry, et al, live and die by their own means. If they know how to run a business then so be it, if they don’t, then fuck them, and good riddance! This would cut out a vast chunk of the bribery and corruption that is in our government and reduce it to a manageable size, I think?
8 Recall all our troops from all parts of the world and protect our own borders and not other countries. Stop being policemen in places we do not belong and stop losing lives of our kids, lives we can no longer afford. Simplistic point of view, I know, but one that can resonate with families that have lost loved ones, I bet! I know there are many who say, ‘he died doing what he loved, protecting our country”, but I am sure they would rather be saying, “Welcome home for Christmas John” It’s such a shame we are embroiled in conflict any place on earth. We have enough to sort out internally, and not in places we don’t belong, don’t you think?
9 Get rid of every reality show on TV and prevent people who have nothing constructive to offer in our lives becoming rich from the chaos they portray on these stupid shows! Have you ever watched any of them? Then you’ll understand where I am coming from. Stage managed crap! And yes, that’s how I really feel.
10 The biggie. Ban all guns. That would probably lead to me getting a bullet to the head!
11 Immigration. You want to come and live here, then speak English! I would ban all those answering systems that say, “For English, press 1” There should only be English, and NO other option! Also, anyone who enters illegally, let them sit and pass the same tests that I had to pass. Why should they get off scott free? It shouldn’t be one rule for them and one for me. I know people who came here with nothing, legally. They had a momentous struggle to survive, compete and then settle in. What gives anyone the right to come into the US without going through what I and the rest of those who did it the right way, the legal way, they way the constitutions says it should be done? Why do they all deserve a free pass, and there are more than 12 million of them according to statistics, when I never got one, nor did the 40 million others like me.
12 Taxes. I would abolish the IRS, with immediate effect. I would install a straight 20% flat tax on every working man and woman who earns over $50,000 and a 5% flat sales tax in every state. I would tax everyone, without any kind of allowable deduction. There would be no need for any legal or illegal tax loopholes. I would let every corporation in America bring in all their offshore billions, as a one time amnesty, with a 10% tax rate, and thereafter they too would be taxed at 20%. Let’s see how quickly that brings back jobs and investment to the USA?
13 I would make Haggis a staple food of the United States. That and an obligatory ‘wee dram’ at every dinner table, every night. If the French can drink wine, the Germans, beer, and the Russians, vodka, why not the Americans with Haggis and Whisky? That way the economy of Scotland would go through the roof and my fellow countrymen would enjoy a lifestyle equivalent to that of Dubai. 300 million Americans, eating tinned Haggis and drinking cases of real Scotch! Party time all over, and not just in Scotland!
14, I would increase the salary of the President of the United States to $1 million per year. Who could argue that he’s not worth every penny of that salary? And anyway, if it was me in charge, I would deserve at least double that!
15 I would opt for a ban on every infomercial that airs on TV and radio. And if that ban didn’t work, I would ban it twice for the same price! But only if you call in the next ten minutes!
16 Health insurance would be a thing of the past, and a system would be put in place to encourage students to become doctors, teachers, and nurses. I would stop these outrageous payments to anyone who can throw or catch a ball, and divert all that money to people who would contribute something constructive to society, like our nurses, teachers, etc. Why should any human being get $10 million because he can play ball, when all the doctors I know are receiving less than 10% of that figure to save a life? Which is more important? Entertainment has its place, but at a price. Paying $8 for a beer or a popcorn is also something I would stop. There should be a law against being charged $6 for water at a movie or football game. I would implement such a law, in the name of hunger and thirst and keeping a sensible bank balance!
17 Stop donating money to countries who just want to destroy us. Another pet peeve. Why give billions to these third world tin pot countries who send mercenaries here to kill our citizens or who hold countless rally’s protesting our existence? Why do we always have to try to do the right thing only to have it thrown right back in our faces? Why are we sending money to places like India, who are in a far better financial state than we are, and to Pakistan, where the majority refer to us as ‘the infidel’? Why not send money directly to causes where we can see the immediate benefits and control the source of such benefit? It’s not rocket science by any means. Send a check or cash directly to any needy concern and then corrupt governments cannot get their grubby paws on it. And if we believe such governments would indeed interfere, then do not send anything at all. Simple!
18 I would create a retirement age in the Senate and the House of 65. If I have to retire at 65, they should too. Why is my country being run by old men and woman who have more plastic than a Lego factory? Get out when you are 65, thanks for your time and effort, but piss off, you are now, like the rest of us, too fucking old! When I look at Nancy Pelosi, and her colleagues, I have to laugh. How many of them are old cronies? A lot! Get them out, and give me younger fresher blood. People who understand what’s going on in the world and that are not just being important for the sake of importance!
19 Unemployment benefit should be available to those who are genuinely unemployed! Same with food stamps and all the other subsidies that we provide to those who are unfortunate. But! and it’s a huge BUT. There needs to be a fail safe system put in place to weed out those who are abusing the system. I am aware of many people where I live who claim unemployment benefits, but work for cash 7 days a week! This is ridiculous and it detracts from all the efforts we put into helping those who genuinely need work and money to help them and their families. I would put into place a system that stops these fraudsters.
20 And finally, the TSA. Abolish the TSA. What a bunch of losers. Standing around doing nothing for most of the day. And never ever again would any of us ever have to take our shoes off again!
That’s it for starters. You can also have your say. Let me know your top 20 things you would change if you were ever elected President. Keep them clean, keep them short, but most of all, don’t keep them to yourself!