The Shit My Dog Eats

IMG_0017It matters not. The shape, the size, the age, the color. If it’s there, and it’s edible,(and sometime inedible), then it’s eaten. Gobbled up and inhaled, in seconds. You can actually see, whatever it happens to be, sliding down her long neck, no chewing required, and into the depths of her skinny stomach. The facts of the matter are, no matter what shit my dog eats, and she eats the unimaginable, as well as that occasional ‘gourmet’ selection, it doesn’t affect her weight, her stomach or her insatiable appetite to do it again and again and again. She’s just a lean mean eating machine. Smaller than the rest of her breed, and the runt of her litter, she weighs only 28 lb. She doesn’t have an ounce of fat on her body, and she is solid muscle. She is walked between 6 and 8 miles every day, and often twice a day, the second walk being around 2 miles, on top of the 8 she’s already completed, and, she does this without complaint, and with much enthusiasm. But, and here is my gripe, she is completely susceptible to anything that looks remotely like food, whether it’s a treat at the cafe we pass every day on her walking route, to a piece of anything resembling sustenance  just lying on the sidewalk. She has an ability to sniff out gum, cake, bread, all stale, all hidden, and swallow them without a care in the world. All, of course, to my complete annoyance.

Halloween two years ago, I answered my front door, and standing in his superman costume, with a wicker basket, was a kid, about 3 years of age, all masked up and  uttering those immortal words,’ trick or treat’. My dog, curiouser and curiouser, always accompanies me to the door whenever anyone arrives at my home. Set the scene. The wee boy is about 3 feet tall, standing tall and brave uttering his Halloween verbiage, and Lola, my dog, sticks her nose through the crack in that door, straight into the boys sweetie basket, relieving him of a Reese’s pieces, all wrapped up and all very tempting. She takes the Reese’s, fully packaged in its red and gold film and swallows it whole. The kid didn’t know what hit him, until realization set in and tears began to flow, as he stood beside his consoling mother. Lola by now, aware of her misdemeanor, had taken flight into the bedroom before scolding could be administered. Have you ever eaten a Reese’s? Of course you have. They are huge and they take at least three bites to demolish. Lola, however, had completed this task in one gulp, with the packaging fully in tact and hadn’t even blinked. Quite a feat, until you ponder that old saying, ‘dogs should never eat chocolate because it kills them’ Oh well, only time would tell. Two days later, and Lola still in her usual ‘hyper’ mode, I found the wrapper on the lawn, in perfect condition, having come right through her system, unscathed. Well, why not try giving her Cadbury’s or indeed Magnum ice cream bars? What could possibly happen to her after the Reese’s episode? The answer? Well, I was about to find out.

A list of things I have fed to my healthy dog. Healthy as in, blood work, perfect, weight, spot on, coat, so soft and perfectly groomed, teeth, all there, except for one which was lost when eating a dog bone!

Bacon. Real, Irish, Canadian, smoked, cured, peppered. You name it, she’s had it.

Doggie Bacon. Large and thick, small and thin. Does the same with either. Swallows them whole.

Ice Cream. Magnum bars, Haagen Das, Dryers, she loves them all and had tried most of the flavors you and I would try.

Chocolate. Cadbury buttons, her favorite, Flake, Twirls, Ghirardelli, with and without nuts and caramel, Yorkie bars, bars with nougat and bars with biscuit. Orange, peppermint, caramel, hazelnut, all Kit Kats. She even eats Cadbury Cream Eggs, whole!

Kellogg’s. Crunchy Nut Corn Flakes, Cheerios, muesli, Coco Pops, Special K

Meat. Steak, ground beef, fake ground beef, turkey, Bologna, chicken, ribs, and so on…..

I think you’re getting the picture? Right? When I met this dog, she was 2 and a half. All she ate was dog food, in the form of Kibble, and veggies with fruit. She loved blueberries, blackberries, strawberries, in fact anything except Chuck Berry. She was really a vegetarian. Then on her 4 rth birthday, I took over. I went out and bought her a huge 2 lb sirloin steak. the idea was, I would cook it on the BBQ, stick a candle in it and sing happy birthday. I got home from Safeway, unwrapped it and with the steak suspended to the height of my head height, all 5 11, started to tease her. She jumped up off the ground in a flash, grabbed the steak out of my right hand, and vanished into her kennel to devour that raw meat and emerge some 30 minutes later with an incredible look of satisfaction and accomplishment on her face that would rival anything I have ever achieved or could possibly imagine. She’s a monkey, a glutton, a darling, a beggar, an angel, all wrapped into one. She is unrivaled when it comes to the amount she consumes and yet, she stays so thin and healthy. She’s a wonder of nature, she’s definitely unique, but then again, aren’t they all?

At dinner time, she does this dance. I’ve named it, simply, ‘the dinner dance’ (see the video above). This is a dance that takes place in the morning and at night when she’s fed. As you can see, it involves a clockwise revolving spinning move that goes on for about a minute or so. She has that air of excitement, just like it’s her first meal, and obviously appreciates the fact that her belly is about to be filled, if only by Kibble. She makes dining out seem so uncivilized and she keeps us amused from dawn to dusk. Just a few facts worth sharing with all you animal lovers out there. Enjoy the video.

Dairy Queen, the ice cream parlor we all love. Although I must admit, I’d never been in one until 3 years ago. I love their ‘Blizzards’ A concoction of whipped ice cream and sweeties with different flavors. A bit like the ‘poor’ man’s Nardini’s. See previous blog for explanation on Nardini’s. Lola knows Dairy Queen. in fact, when we take her in the car and tell her where she’s going, she begins to drool as soon as we leave our driveway. On the way to the store, she is manic and then as soon as I disappear behind that glass door to buy my favorite concoction, she will sit, ears pricked, or jump at the door, begging me to hurry up and come back so she can feast upon her favorite treat of all. I ever bring her a spoon, enabling her to act like a lady at the outdoor table. I often put her in the car to go get a cheeseburger too. She sits in the back of the car, pops her head out the window to acknowledge the cashier as we pass through the drive thru, and then sits nicely, looking anxiously between that paper bag filled with goodness, and my eyes, hoping I’ll share before we arrive home. If I don’t she will bolt out the car, before I have a chance to exit and stand at the front door, nose wet, tail wagging, and jumping up and down, just like the Springer she is supposed to be. When I eventually cave in and give her a piece, it’s as if serenity itself had descended upon her calm.

Quite a show, quite a dog, although I often think she should be a pig, not a dog, due to the volume of food she consumes. There has to be something in that metabolism that over weight people can learn from, although what exactly it is, I have no idea.

Sorry folks, the video wouldn’t upload. I’ll try and make it happen later today. In the meantime, please enjoy the photograph.

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