When I was a kid we used to look forward to the fair at Glasgow’s Kelvin Hall. It arrived in December and played all through the Christmas and New Year period. It was an indoor fair but it still contained all of the attractions found in the more common outdoor versions that play regularly all summer long. There was a ferris wheel, dodgems, or bumper cars as most people refer to them, shooting the duck games, haunted tunnel, etc, etc. I also remember that we were often given a treat, just before we left to go home, sharing a candy floss, (cotton candy), devoured in minutes by my two sisters and me. Other treats you would find, (although we were never allowed to samples them) were hot dogs, (still in their infancy in Scotland at that time), Scottish pies, fish n’chips, and shortbread, (the real stuff), mixed with a plethora of sweeties and of course Scottish tablet or fudge. It was a huge night out for us kids and although at the time this event seemed as if it was held in a massive hall, once I grew up and traveled a little, I began to realize that the Kelvin Hall was really small in comparison to other venues I eventually discovered. Over the years, I have had the pleasure, although I sometimes wouldn’t be so bold to refer to it as pleasure, of experiencing fairs in many parts of America, all interesting, all filled with delights that would be better served on another planet and all frequented by people of differing sizes and ethnic backgrounds. But two weeks ago my son Paul asked me to go with him to the California State Fair, an opportunity I was unable to make, which, as it turned out, was a huge mistake from my standpoint. Read on.
The CA state fair is held in Sacramento. It only happens once a year, but that may be a blessing for those of us who are adventurous enough to try to ride the fastest rides, the tallest and most terrifying drops and sample extraordinarily strange and often delicious foods. My brief guide to the delicacies offered at this year’s state fair is brought to you courtesy of my son. I am going to list then one by one, along with his assessments.
1 Krispy Kreme donut bacon cheeseburger! An iced donut, split in two, encapsulated with a half pound Angus burger, melted cheese, lettuce, pickles, tomato and onions and two rashers of thick salted applewood smoked bacon!! Calorific content, off the charts. Eating one of these would require defibrillation after consumption. Red Cross volunteers provided by the fair, free of charge and lined up in waiting as each hungry fair-goer leans gently towards death by desire and stupidity with every delicious mouthful. Paul’s rating, a whopping 20 out of 10!
2 Deep fried turkey leg covered in smoked bacon. This 3lb delight is the largest turkey leg I have ever seen. It must have come off a prehistoric bird, or if was genetically modified just for this show. This monstrosity is filled with protein, fat and all the other good things that are bad for you. With two hands required to hold it and a mouth the size of the QE2 tunnel in London just to bite it, it probably feeds at least 4 but is sold as an appetizer for 1. Paul’s verdict. Go to the gym at least a month before attempting to ear this, not to lose weight, but to strengthen your biceps in order to be able to lift the damn thing off the counter when they serve it up.
3 Deep fried NY cheesecake. This whopping 1/2lb gooey ball, served on a stick, contains more cheese than is served daily at any Safeway, more batter than any baseball team has and the longest lollypop stick I have ever seen. It’s like looking at a Dunkin’ donut on steroids. A Rod is just a mere pretender in comparison to this beauty. Quite how they have managed to keep the cheesecake solid, I will never know. It’s deep-fried to perfection and boasted the largest line for people wanting to purchase any of these foods, with an incredible 45 minute wait just to be served. Paul’s verdict, and I quote, “One bite and I wanted to puke and then bite again!” In other words, it was incredible, but my stomach could only handle it one bite at a time and required emptying before the next bite.
4 I have left the best for last. Deep fried bacon covered chocolate. One large thick cut rasher of bacon, covered in dark chocolate, fried once again and then served as a chaser to the cheesecake. Makes me want to throw up just thinking about it, but that would be after I have had time to take a wee nibble. Paul’s verdict. Keep clear of this one. Not only will it kill you instantly, it will embalm your body and corrupt your soul, simultaneously! Send LIPITOR!
And so, I have decided that the Kelvin Hall in Glasgow, was just a pre cursor for me to go to the CA state fair next summer and spend all evening trying these abominably good delicious treats. I am salivating at the thought of ending my life prematurely in honor of my desire to to be the first person ever to consume all four of the above without any assistance, medical or otherwise. No wonder this country is obese. No wonder it craves more and more of the extraordinarily bad and no wonder everything that is good for you tastes like shit! Kashi might be on a mission to make 7 grains delicious and popular, but with treats like this available and ready to go, who gives a shit about adding 10 years onto your life when your 80. I want it now, all the enjoyment, all the sugar, all the calories and all the satisfaction from eating what is simply, cruel and decidedly sinful!!