“You only married me because I’m a sex therapist” Robert’s wife Stephanie shrieked breathlessly as she popped up from under the sheets gasping for air, after sucking his balls.
“I only married you because you have big tits” He replied after letting out a sigh of relief. It wasn’t that his wife couldn’t please him anymore, it was more a matter of him enjoying better sex during the affairs he had been having, better than the sex with her for sure. Robert took a deep breath and asked Steph, “Do you think we should go to counseling?”
“We are both sex therapists darling, why would we need counseling?”
“Well the sex is,” he paused, “I should say, has, been very disappointing recently”
“And whose problem do you think that is dearest?” she asked him quizzically.
“Well, as the good book says…,” he was referring to the book they had written together some 3 years earlier and not the bible, “when the sex becomes boring….”
“I know what the book says, I bloody well wrote it” she exclaimed.
“Calm down sweetie, let’s try to figure this out like the good therapists we pretend to be”
Robert was frustrated. He was 35 and had been married to Steph for 10 years. Recently he had met a little 24-year-old blonde at the university workshop he put on once a month in the halls of residence at Oxford. She had taken rather more than a passing interest in his humor and teachings and soon after she had started attending his class they’d become serious lovers. It hadn’t taken much, but then with Robert it never did. One or two days of flirting, a casual drink and the sex had begun. So serious now was their relationship, that he’d never in his life admitted to having better sex than he’d had with this blonde. That was saying something, as Robert for as long as he could remember, only had eyes for Steph and swore that of all the 23 women he had slept with, no one else came close to having her skills or patience in bed. Steph was in his opinion, a miracle with a pussy, delivered to him by a God in which he’d had little faith, and he never had the incline to cheat on her. He seemed to have failed in his promise to be monogamous. He was a jerk, and he knew it. Perhaps, he thought, it was time to come clean, but then again, perhaps not. The affair with the blonde was over and now he was trying hard to rekindle the love he once felt with Steph, only it didn’t seem to be there anymore. It had vanished. She knew it and so did he. Robert had waited patiently for that leading question to spout from her luscious lips,’ are you having an affair?’, but it never had, and so he presumed, either rightly or wrongly, that either she knew and said nothing, or she had no idea and his secret was safe. Whatever his theory was it mattered not. Their lovemaking was crap, end of story.
“Let’s get back to basics” she said in client/ patient tone of voice.
”I am not seeking therapy so don’t think that you can talk to me with all that college crap you have stored in your ever-expanding mind”
“We are touchy Rob, aren’t we?”
“Look darling, you once loved me more than anything else on earth. Our love-making was electric and now,” he hesitated, “well, now you just don’t seem to have the passion or the sparkle for it. It’s like your energy levels have dwindled and you and I are having married sex instead of dating sex. We were always careful and very willing to keep our relationship to dating sex. We have no kids, no distractions, so what’s the problem”
“The problem my dear, is you!”
”You! You are a prick Robert, don’t lay there and tell me you didn’t think I would find out?
Robert lay back and now waited for the bombshell. In his mind he had made up hundreds of rebuttals to this accusation but now that is was upon him, he was scared to death of the repercussions that were about to be put into motion. His home, his cottage in the country and the bank accounts. It was all communal property in this state but he had been the one to make all the down payments and the one with the higher income and it was his family’s money that had paid for most of their luxuries after his parents had died. Why would he give half to her? Why? Because she deserved it, he reminded himself and also because it was the law of the land in which they co habited.
He stalled, and then he decided to be truthful, and then he stalled once again.
“Find out what?” he asked, his hands now shaking.
She picked up a pillow and smashed him over his head, only it was not a playful hit. She sat upright and remembered instantly all the tiny pieces she’d found of this crazy puzzle. The little bits hidden here and there, there had been no denying his cunning, but with all the guile Robert had mustered, she’d caught him red handed, and he knew it.
“Rob, after all this time, I KNOW when you are lying, just tell the truth and we can move on”
What could he do? He was already planning his exit strategy, making little mental acknowledgments of what exactly he would take with him in the way of possessions, should the need arise. The golf clubs were easy pickings as were the two Bose surround sound radios and not forgetting the 3 paintings that had belonged to his parents. He was sure she wouldn’t mind him taking at least that. He was also concerned that she may sue him for adultery and that his stocks and bonds and pension fund might be split up in her favor. “Oh what a mess” he thought to himself. ‘Was she really worth it, his little blonde?’
“OK so I lied, what are you going to do? Sue me?”
“You are being flippant” she responded whilst waving him away with two fingers.
“Look I didn’t think you would ever find out, and it was over long ago, it meant so little”
“So little!” she screamed at the top of her voice. She was madder than he’d ever seen her.
Steph sat back and thought for a few seconds, her breasts now fully exposed. Robert had loved her breasts, but his passion had been her clitoris, for sure. He could spend hours winding his tongue around that little protruding orb while he watched her writhe in agony as she tried to orgasm. He was going to miss these little things, and just then his heart sank as he realized momentarily the error of his ways.
“Robert, you are a stupid selfish prick. I cannot believe you think I wouldn’t find out. Do you think I am blind?”
“No, no I don’t”
“Then what were you thinking?”
He knew what he was thinking at the time. She was so cute. Petite, except her breasts, they were large and disproportionate to the rest of her body and she was blonde all over with immaculate dress sense. Her passionate first kiss had unleashed an inner desire that had floored Robert from day one. He did his best to resist for five full minutes, and then had given in to the throbbing inside his head and his jeans. When he had entered her for the first time, he had been in dreamland. She was tight and wet and magnificent. She moaned gracefully as he made her come many times in very short period of time, and then she’d managed to arouse him three more times in quick succession. They had made love once an hour for four straight hours. This was something he had never been able to do with Steph and although he was 15 years older than his new-found love, he kept up with little effort other than the continuing guilt for Steph that he felt every time he entered the blonde. These feelings had confused the heck out of him and now he was about to pay, and pay dearly.
“I wasn’t thinking, was I?”
“No you were not, so what are we going to do about it?”
“Well, I really don’t know. I suppose it’s up to you”
“Your love making is very poor and it has been going on for months so I am guessing that it went downhill after you committed this act. Your guilt has overtaken your ability to be passionate and sensitive and you have had no interest in our relationship since that fatal day. You know how much this meant to me Rob. You have known since we met all these years ago”
Text book stuff, but she was correct in her assumptions. Oh what a night this was going to be. The blonde had gone now. She moved on to her next, younger conquest, and had left Robert dangling in fresh air, begging for more. NO chance! Robert had tried to see her again and then felt he was beginning to beg. Common sense had prevailed and he’d decided that it was time to move on too. She stopped coming to his class and he stopped masturbating in her honor. Getting away without Steph ever finding out had been the ultimate bonus, but now she was confessing to knowing all the time. ‘Shit damn and fuck!’ he said to himself.
‘Again, text-book quotes. But you are right. I should have married a hairdresser” he quipped
“Yes you should and she would have clipped your balls off rather than try to communicate like and adult as I am doing now.”
“I am sorry Steph.”
“Sorry? Sorry is the last of your worries. I expect a full explanation now. No skirting around the issue, just lay it on the table, when where and why?”
“Do I have to?” he asked, with sad brown eyes,”I feel I have upset you enough. Why rub salt in the wounds when they are obviously still open?”
“Robert, I can only say this once and then after that the matter is closed” she paused, ‘you understand?”
“It is not just the fact that you did it and then insulted my intelligence by hoping I wouldn’t find out. It is not just the fact that you tried to sweep it under the carpet and it’s not just the fact that you are a really bad liar.” She was shouting now and he had his head buried in his hands. In full voice she continued, “Robert,” she paused for effect, ‘That fucking Ming vase has been in my family for over 100 fucking years!”
Robert looked up and within seconds his erection had returned and in the ensuing sexual romp, their love-making was the best it had ever been.